A Parents’ Guide to Protecting Kids on Social Media

Last month, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, MD, MBA, released a new advisory on social media and youth.

“The most common question parents ask me is, ‘Is social media safe for my kids?’ The answer is that we don't have enough evidence to say it's safe, and in fact, there is growing evidence that social media use is associated with harm to young people’s mental health,” Dr. Murthy said when he released the new advisory. He added that the country is in the midst of a youth mental health crisis, and he believes social media is a primary driver of it.

According to the new advisory, up to 95 percent of youth ages 13 to 17 use social media, with one-third reporting that they use it “almost constantly.” This puts parents and caregivers in a tricky spot: How do you keep kids safe from something everyone else seems to be using?

One good way, according to experts, is by having guidelines in place — and some important conversations with your kids.

Lisa Strohman, Ph.D., JD, is the founder of Digital Citizen Academy — an organization dedicated to educating about safe social media usage — and the co-author of Digital Distress: Growing Up Online. She says that one of the most common questions she’s asked is when parents should allow their kids to have their own phone and use social media. Her advice is to try to get your kids through middle school before allowing them on social media. For most kids, this is one year older than the age restriction most social media apps require, which is 13 years old.

“If you can get your child through middle school without letting them have their own device, you will avoid 90% of the challenges I see in clinic,” Dr. Strohman says.

When you do allow your kids to have their own phone or tablet (and, with it, social media use), Dr. Strohman says to avoid giving them the device as a birthday or holiday present. “Tech should be treated as a tool, not a toy,” she says, adding that this is how parents should frame it to their kids. This is also the appropriate time to talk about boundaries, including when and for how long they can use social media and how to use it safely.

Remember: it’s not all bad.

Before getting into what the dangers are and the guidelines that will keep your kids safe, it’s important to recognize that there are also benefits to using social media.

“Social media can be a way for people to connect with others who are just like them, particularly if they have a niche interest or are part of a marginalized group,” says Patrice Berry, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist who works with both adults and youth. She adds that for LGBTQ youth, in particular, social media can be a lifeline in helping them not feel isolated or alone.

Clinical and educational psychologist Aura De Los Santos points out that social media platforms are also educational tools. “Through social media, children can learn. Some social media accounts focus on educating the population about mental health issues, education, and general culture. Kids can access content of interest and learn in a more fun way,” she says. As a parent, you might encourage this activity and help your kids by identifying a few educational accounts with them.

Santos also echoes Dr. Berry, saying that social media is a place for people to learn and connect, including youth with physical or mental disabilities.

Allowing kids to experience the benefits of social media means being aware of the dangers and how to avoid them. There are three main risks to be aware of, which all three experts touch on next.

Before social media, parents and caregivers primarily worried about pedophiles hanging out in school parking lots or the mall. But social media has amplified the risk of encountering unsavory, ill-intentioned adults. “As a parent, you wouldn’t drop your kid off in a football stadium with 65,000 people with no guidelines, so why would you let them live a life online with 5 billion people [without guidelines]?” says Dr. Strohman, who worked with the FBI on pedophilia profiling.

“With social media, there has been a shift between a pedophile going out in a van targeting children to engaging with them on social media platforms,” Dr. Strohman says. The way this happens, she explains, is that they will work to slowly build trust with the youth, often posing as someone of a similar age or with similar interests. Having established trust, the stranger may attempt to have the youth share photos or videos of themselves or reveal personal information, such as where they live or go to school.

To protect young people from this type of danger, all three experts say it’s important to talk to kids about the importance of not revealing anything personal about themselves. Dr. Strohman suggests that you “talk to your kids about how to differentiate between good people and ‘tricky’ people” whose intentions are bad or unclear; because there are “tricky people” out there, it’s important to be thoughtful about what your kids post online. “Informed kids make better choices, so it’s important to inform them of this potential danger so they are aware of it,” she says.

Scientific studies have shown a direct connection between social media use and lowered self-esteem, along with higher rates of depression. Studies show that teens and young adults who spend the most time on social media platforms have a substantially higher rate of depression than those who don’t spend as much time on social media. Other studies show that social media can increase the risk of low self-esteem as well as eating disorders.

According to Mental Health America, 15% of youth between the ages of 12 and 17 reported having at least one major depressive episode in the past year, a statistic that’s sure to be underreported as most teens do not seek or get help for their depression. Meanwhile, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that rates of depression and anxiety in teens have increased over time. Thirty-six percent of teens reported having persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, and 19 percent had seriously considered suicide.

While there are many factors contributing to these alarming statistics, all three experts say that one known factor is bullying that occurs on social media.

“If bullying happens only at school, kids at least get a break from it at home, but with social media, bullying can happen 24/7,” Dr. Berry says. Santos explains that some examples of bullying on social media include spreading lies about people, publishing private images of the victim, or sending hurtful or threatening messages. Dr. Strohman says that another common form of bullying that happens on social media is purposely making someone feel left out by posting photos of a group hangout that they were not invited to.

In addition to this, Santos says that kids may fall into the trap of comparing themselves to others in their feeds, which can cause low self-esteem. “They don't take into account that many times what is on social media is not true [or real],” Santos says. “Also, the fitness culture that exists today — where everyone looks fit and has a ‘perfect body’ — causes many people to go on extreme diets or exercise, which leads them to develop an eating disorder,” she adds.

Adding to the problem, Dr. Strohman says, is the fact that watching or interacting with a post related to diet culture will prompt most algorithms to feed similar content to a user, so they are bombarded with content that could negatively impact their self-esteem.

How can parents and caregivers protect their kids from bullying and posts that may harm their self-esteem?

First, Dr. Strohman and Dr. Berry say it’s important to have honest conversations about these dangers with your child. As with avoiding “tricky people,” knowledge is power. Both experts also caution you to be on the lookout for any behavior that seems out of character for your child. Are they showing signs of depression, such as becoming socially withdrawn and avoiding activities they used to like? If so, both experts say it’s important to kindly start conversations with your child about the changes you’ve noticed and how they may be feeling.

Dr. Strohman says that parents often ask her if they should be allowed to go on their kid’s phone to read text and social media messages if they suspect a problem. In her opinion, it’s valid to do this if you’re seriously concerned there is a problem that may affect your child’s well-being. She also recommends using parental controls and exploring options like Cyber Dive, which alerts parents when certain words are being used in texts or social media messages that may be concerning.

Another potential danger of social media is its addictive nature; the apps are designed to keep users active as long as possible.

“Science has shown that excessive social media use actually impairs cognitive development, causing gray matter in the brain to atrophy,” Dr. Strohman says. She adds that kids who use social media excessively are more likely to have lower test scores, have worse creative thinking, and engage in less creative play.

Dr. Berry also points out that it can get in the way of proper sleep. “If kids have their phone in their room while they sleep, they will keep responding to messages when they hear a notification,” she says. Because of this, she recommends that phones be charged in a separate room at night — ideally a parent’s or caregiver’s — instead of the kid’s room.

To protect against the addictive nature of social media, all three experts recommend setting a rule of how much time a day their child is allowed to use social media. “Parents can set up two to three hours per day of social media use,” Santos says. “For example, one hour after lunch, one hour after homework, and one hour before bedtime. The important thing is that children have other activities where they can spend their time.”

Dr. Berry says that parents should abide by the same guidelines themself, modeling healthy behaviors for their kids. For example, if you don’t allow your child to use their phone at the dinner table, you shouldn’t use yours either.

It bears repeating that social media isn’t inherently bad; it’s all about how we use it. Setting guidelines and limits can help protect your kids from the dangers that exist, but it’s also important to stay informed about how existing and new social media apps work.

“Keep learning about the apps your kids are using because they will continue to evolve,” Dr. Berry says. She adds that conversations around social media use shouldn’t just happen one time; they should be ongoing conversations that routinely happen. Dr. Strohman reiterates the importance of keeping the lines of communication open so that kids feel comfortable approaching parents if a problem does arise.

By following this expert advice, you can make sure that social media remains a fun place for teens to learn and connect safely with others — even if you don’t understand all the lingo or dances.

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